We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
