Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
