I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
