I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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