My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize