I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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