I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize