News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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