I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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