I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
