This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I checked into jail on foursquare
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
