the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
