I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
