I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
