Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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