I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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