Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
FUCK WHALES
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