got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
