I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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