What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
