so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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