You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
