then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
