From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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