i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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