New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
