my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
