The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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