Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
