my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
