I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
