I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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