Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
