It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
