You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
