quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
