i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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