yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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