Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
