I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
