Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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