my phone needs a breathalizer
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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