I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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