proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
