My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize