I hate your face
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
