You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize