Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
