i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
