wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
