I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
