Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
