Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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