just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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