If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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