Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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