my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
