Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i think my cat just said my name.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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