No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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